March Club Ride - M250 Pre-ride

By Joe Martin

Well it all started innocently enough. Get off work, meet Mike Elder at my house get loaded and leave for the desert. Soon after our departure, somewhere around Penryn, my cell phone rings. On the other end was a somewhat inebriated Tony Vigil "Joe where are you guys?"  "In my truck" was my response. "Dumbass I know that" said Tony. "Where the Hell are you topographically". "Outside Auburn" was my response. "Well we are in Gardnerville at Beef Drapes, Meat Flaps, Meat Curtains, hey Ueltzen what's the name of this place? "Hambones" was his retort. "Yea that's it", said Tony "Hambones". " We are here and having a couple of more drinks and plan on going to the Heyday for more. Meet us there. O.K."? "O.K. I said we will see you there." I hung up the Phone.

Mike and I continue to Roll on down the road. Several miles later the phone rings again. This time it's Shawn Lanza "Hey Joe my CRF450s rear brakes are gone. One of the pads is down to the metal, are you close to home and can you bring me a set by chance." Well I may have a pair in my emergency box I take with me everywhere no worries. Onward. Somewhere outside Reno the phone rings. Tony again. This time a noticeable amount more inebriated - he slurred the words louder. "JOE SWEAR THE SMELL ARES YOUS GUY'SS." "Still in my truck outside Reno this time and hauling some serious Trail Dog Ass" was my reply. "SWELL WE ARS AT SA HAYDAY AN HAVN SMORE DINKS AN WILL PROBBBELY MEET YOU ATS TA WAAAKER RIVERR RESNORT O TA?." "Great we will see you there" was my reply. 

Mike and I need some supplies for the next day's riding and decided to stop at the AM/PM in Gardnerville. While I was gassn' up the truck Mike went inside. While inside Mike saw a guy from Sac that knows him. This guy was one of those wannabe "hangerson" types and knew everything about nothing. It was hard to shake the guy, He was like a Tic on a Bloodhound (dug in). He followed us around the AM/PM like a Fly Buzzn' over a fresh turd. After some uncomfortable sidestepping Mike and I made an escape. Wow, back to the safety of the truck. Onward.

Shortly after Mike asked if I was hungry because he was. We found a Del Taco outside Gardnerville just the thing for two Trail Dogs. There we loaded up on gaseous food hoping for flatulence in the cottage to share with our appreciative Trail Dog buddies. A thoughtful pair we make. Mike made a team decision and held out on supplying me with my Super Bomb Burrito. See, he did not want to have me blow-up the truck and waste all the GOOD SMELLING farts on him before we got to the Cottage. Always thinkn' that Mike. Some miles later I convinced Mike to let me have my Burrito. He complied and even put the super HOT sauce on it for me and made it so I could eat and drive. Great Navigator, a real team player. Within minutes I was feeling the effects of the Burrito and let go with a real NICE fart. "S!*t Joe, I knew I should not of let you eat that thing so soon, and I even put accelerator on it - my bad" said Mike.

Several miles and farts later we arrive at our destination. The Walker River Resort. Bitchn' place, I mean Sweeeeet. Awesome! Once the lights were turned on and we were allowed inside. (our Trail Dog partners tried to hide by turning all the lights off). We found our sleeping quarters. This was first rate all the things a Trail Dog would want. Shower, Toilet, Toilet Paper, Kitchen, Frig, Sink, Dishes, Pots, Pans, Towels and Beds. Since Mike & I were the last arrivals we did not have a choice of Beds. Not to worry. We are members of the Trail Dogs our Dog buddies had looked out for us. They had already folded out the Bed and placed our monogrammed Maxi-Pads (with wings) like mints by our Pillows. Nice Touch. I wonder how long they laughed at themselves while they did this (see photos).

After the initial B.S. of arrival we settled in for some libations. Somewhere around 1:30 Am after many rib breaking laughs Mike Elder decides he wants to prep his goggles for tomorrows ride. Within 15 minutes all six Drunk Trail Dogs are trying to install their lenses and tear offs into or onto their Oakley goggles. Imagine this: You're drunk and you're trying to get an African Elephant into a 70VW bug. Get the picture? Anyhow sometime after 2:00AM we decided that sleeping would help so we turned in.

Sometime after 6:00AM I was awakened by a Boxer clad Tony Vigil headed for the bathroom. Oh well, four hours sleep is better than none. Shortly after, Dave Ueltzen (completely clothed and I'm not sure why) wizzed by heading for the pisser as well. So much for REM sleep. It was at this time I decided to remove myself from my fart sack and make my way to the porcelain god for a little relief of my own. After a short stint of AssBlasting I needed a shower to remove all the shrapnel. Oh how sweet it is, or isn't. Anyway enough about that crap!

Tony was in the kitchen messn' with his grandma's Taco for breakfast (bad visual) which did not smell half bad and Mike Kaveney was making the coffee from Juan Valdez' own storage container (now in inventory) the size of a MARTIN Grain Storage Bin. Wow! that's a lot of Coffee for one trip to the Desert for six guys. One cup and we'll all be back on the Throne dropping the Cosby Kids off at the pool. I hope there is extra Toilet Paper. With the smell of Tonys Grandmas Taco, Fresh Coffee, and fresh Defecation, the ride was taking shape.

Shawn rolled out of the bathroom and headed straight outside to drain all the water out of his transmission and replace it with oil. He also asked about the brake pads which I did not have with me on this trip. Oh well brakes are for quitters anyway I said. He agreed and continued with his focus on the trans-water. During this time Mike Elder, Mike Kaveney, Dave Ueltzen, and myself went to town on Tony's grandma's taco. It was stinky and messy but did the job. After we were done with her Taco, Tony and Shawn began eating her Taco as well again messy but good. Thanks Grandma! Since Tony had got Grandmas Taco prepared, I took it upon myself to clean up her Taco mess. What an undertaking.

After we all took another Coffee Crap and thoroughly permeated the cottage with Dog Shit smell, we began getting our riding gear on. Once we were all suited up we began deliberating. Where are we going to ride? After some time we decided to ride to the Radio Tower via Shitty Shirt. The temp was 56 degrees and the dirt was dry on top and damp under. Purrrfect! After several miles of tarmac and watching Mike Elder do "for days wheelies" we ended up at the junction where you leave the valley floor and start up the mountain. From there it gets blurry. This is the place where if you know the road you can haul some serious ass and we were. Where the road meets the Shitty Shirt junction we waited for the slower riders to catch up.

Mike Kaveney would lead up shitty shirt, this is normal. Mike is normally the trail boss on our rides, altogether fitting and proper since it has worked well that way in the past. Halfway up shitty shirt we hit snow. Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy. I hate snow riding. After a couple of miles going uphill in 2-3 feet of snow we decided that Tony's KTM was getting too hot and decided to turn around and go back down. There, we would join the main road and take it to the radio towers. Guess what? More Snow and Tony's bike Getting Hot! so we went back down and regrouped. Lets go back eat lunch and then ride the Smith Valley riding area was the consensus. All agreed. Back at the cottage we replenished our fluids, ate some grub, and used the bathroom (grams tacos) and prepared ourselves for more fun.

From there we rode along the pavement on a cool trail that led us into a sweet riding area, (although, off limits to motor vehicles). From a ridge where we were sitting I could see a trail going over the biggest hill, "I want to climb that" I told the guys let's go check it out. After some really cool sand wash rippn' we ended up at the base of the mountain. I did not even stop to think about it. I just jumped out of the sand wash and started going up through the gears, and I mean up I was in 5th pinned when I reached the base of the primary Mountain. I really wasn't thinkn' about what if I don't make it at that time, just pin it and go. The funny thing about climbing really BIG, STEEP, LONG, uphills is that your not looking behind you as you go up, and the only time you look down is when you go over the top or if you don't make it. Well I didn't make it, and when I did look down, way down ,it was scary, really scary. It took me 10 mins to bulldog my CRF to a place I could actually get on and ride down somewhat controlled. What a rush. At the bottom I asked who's next? Nothing but silence, any of you guy's gonna try it? no was the answer "do you think were stupid" you go ahead and try again." Na not this time" was my response.

We spent the rest of the afternoon playin' and rippn' it was epic. As with all good things it had to end. We rode back to the Cottage got cleaned up and loaded and split meeting again at Hambones for some post ride grub and ale'. The Trip was great and we had a terrific time. If we ALL could have been there it would have been better. Maybe next time. Oh yeah, if my navigator could stay awake on the trip home it would be easier to carry on conversations as well, thus making the drive home seem shorter. Till we Roost again.....

Check out the pictures...   Pre-Ride - Photos